This is the final part of a Q&A with Dr. Thompson, a psychologist, school consultant and author/co-author of eight books including the classic bestseller, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys and It’s a Boy!: Understanding Your Son’s Development from Birth to Eighteen. (You can learn more about Dr. Thompson and his works on his website www.michaelthompson-phd.com.) I have received a lot of positive feedback regarding this series to date, so a huge thanks to Dr. Thompson!
Why is it so hard for boys to communicate — it seems like they either melt down or shut down!
Boys communicate very effectively, but much of their communication is non-verbal. They tend not to use words as early or as often as girls, and boys in groups tend to do activities together, not talk together. That gender difference in conversation is visible early on.
It is also true that from an early age many boys seem not to want to talk about things that make them feel ashamed; that is because it is part of most boys’ psychology to want to be strong, and not to show weakness. When moms are asking their sons about “how they feel” the boy often experiences that as an invitation to be vulnerable, and it makes them feel ashamed. That’s why they look down at their feet and seem to clam up. Sometimes, of course, if they are feeling overwhelmed, they simply fall apart.
Rather than wishing that your son would use more words, you can say to him, “I know you feel awful about not being able to such-and-such. Come get a hug.” After a while, you can simply ask him a question about his feelings, “Are you feeling bad because you can’t….” and he’ll nod in agreement. That helps him to identify his feelings.
The open-ended questions: “How are you?” and “How do you feel?” which are so much a part of female conversation are actually never that successful with boys or men. “You’re angry, aren’t you?” “You feel awful, don’t you?” work much better because a boy (or a man) can express his feelings without sounding weak or like a whiner.
It seems like my son has no awareness regarding physical safety. Will he become more “aware” as he grows older?
Of course he will. We all become more aware of danger as we grow older simply because experience — and trips to the Emergency Room for stitches—teaches all of us that some stunts are dumb and that we have limits. However, little boys live in their bodies and they are impulsive, so the joy of motoring around, of swinging from branches, of jumping from one wall to another often exceeds their judgment, even in the face of experience. That will be the case in some boys for many, many years.
Many teenage boys do reckless things because they feel immortal. The frontal lobes, the location of judgment in the brain, are not fully formed in young men until they are twenty-five. Therefore, I can say that the majority of young men will become far more aware of physical safety in their twenties and therefore more cautious. However, a thrill-seeking minority will still find the excitement of snow-boarding, rock-climbing, and motorcycle racing irresistible, even though it will always make their mothers nervous.
(To see the introduction and the first set of questions, please visit Q&A About Boys: Michael G. Thompson, Ph.D.. For Part II, visit Q&A About Boys (Part II): Michael G. Thompson, Ph.D. For Part III, visit Q&A About Boys (Part III): Michael G. Thompson, Ph.D.)
