Earlier today, I was speaking to a couple of young ladies who were grappling with whether or not they should stay at home with their kids. Someone had mentioned to them that staying at home with their young kids was the best choice if it was an option for them financially. I expressed that I didn’t necessarily agree. That might have come as a surprise to them, because I’m very clear (when asked) that raising my kids is my full-time job until both of them are in full day school. While my decision to stay at home is the best choice for my family, motherhood has humbled me. Almost eight years into this mothering role, I realize that just like every child is different, every mom and every family is different. That is why, I say “Do you!” in matters of opinion.
The main point that I stressed to my friends is that it’s not best for a mom to stay at home with their kids just for “staying at home” sake. If the mom is going to be miserable because she doesn’t want to be there/feels forced to be at home with her kids, then who does that benefit? Kids are very perceptive and they will easily pick up on that resentment and negative energy. It doesn’t make women better moms if they stay at home, work from home or work outside of the home. I know hundreds of moms who have chosen different options and there are GREAT, caring moms in all “categories”. My mom worked outside of the home. Although it was more out of necessity than choice, you would have an impossible task if you tried to convince me that she loved or cared for me less because of that choice.
I shared with the ladies that I originally had no intention of staying at home with my kids. My plan was to go back to work after a year of maternity leave. I’m still “at home” almost eight years later, so obviously the plan changed. It just so happened that around the time I was planning on going back to work, it was the time in NYC that it seemed like every day someone was on the news for doing some awful to a kid in their care. From babysitters to nannies to daycare centers…it was a mess! Since I didn’t have family or any trusted friends that were available to care for Michael, my husband and I decided that we would sacrifice financially so that I could stay at home with any kids that we had until they were both in school (granted that our savings didn’t run out). Fortunately, that choice worked out for us.
Along the way, I have been able to couple some of my corporate skills with some of my experiences as a mom to form a new parenting-focused career. (To be honest, I have always had a side gig…even when I was in a corporate job. I think that I would have been an unhappy mom if I didn’t have something else to do on the side in addition to parenting!) All of that is written to say that the BEST mothering choice (in regards to working) is the choice that works the best for you and your family.
One final note in regards to being so stringent regarding picking “sides”…you never know what tomorrow brings. Out of necessity (especially in the current economic environment!) or changing personal choices, many moms will move between the various mothering work categories over a lifetime. That is what is so great about living in today’s society…women have choices. While I believe in getting advice from “experts” and more experienced parents, I definitely don’t believe in “people permission parenting”. If we as moms are continuously waiting around for someone (outside of our homes) to say that our parenting decisions are “acceptable”, then that’s going to be a lot of our lives spent waiting. Forget that…”do you”!
