Earlier this week, I read a post in the mommy track’d Newsdesk section, The New York Times Says The Opt Out Revolution Is Over. I like The New York Times, because it has some well written articles, so I clicked over to the post Recession Drives Women Back to the Work Force. The article made me think. The comments made me mad. Since the NYT is no longer accepting comments on this particular article, I’m going to share my thoughts here. (That’s one of the great things about having your own space on the web!)
Back in April 2007, I wrote a post Long Musing on “Balance” after returning from a Columbia College Women’s Networking breakfast where The New York Times’ “Life’s Work” columnist Lisa Belkin was speaking. The reason that I mention this is that the NYT article is a continuation of the “opting out” discussion.
There are points in the current article on which I agree. Yes, many highly educated women who chose to leave work outside of the home/stay at home with their children are reentering the work force out of financial necessity. Yes, it is humbling to go back to lesser careers after having taken time off to care for your kids. People have lost money in investments. Husbands/ significant others have been downsized or had pay cuts. Historically, women are known for doing whatever it takes to keep their families afloat.
Where I disagree is the part where women who have made the decision to take time off from traditional work to care for their kids are referred to as “the privileged minority that could afford not to work” and as “affluent working mothers”. As a mom choosing to care for your kids yourself, you are either classified as one of the “affluent ones” or “poor ones unable to afford child care”. (That explains why people tend to think that either I’m financially rich or “the nanny” when in reality I’m not either.)
That’s what makes me upset about the whole opting out conversation … things are not that black and white. I (and many moms of all races that I know) have chosen to step off the traditional career path in order to devote various spans of time to being the primary caregivers for our children. Most of us are not “affluent” in the financial sense. We’re not poor either. We simply shifted our priorities because we believed that was best for our individual families.
Let me (briefly) tell you my “opting out” story…
Yes, I was/am one of those Ivy League educated women who “opted out”. (I went to Columbia.) The life choices that I have made since becoming a mom have come as a shock not only to those who knew me, but also to me. I worked in corporate America for almost a decade before I had my first child. The “plan” was to take a year off of work and then go back when my son was one. Well, the plan changed. Around the time that I was supposed to go back to work, my husband and I started looking for childcare. It seemed like every time we opened a newspaper or looked at a television show, there was something about a babysitter/nanny/day care center/ whatever doing something harmful to a child in their care. Since we didn’t have family that could help take care of our son, my husband and I decided together that I would quit my job and care for our kid(s) until they were school-aged. I have never regretted my decision. I can’t put a price on peace of mind.
Were we affluent when we made the decision? No. We were financially stable. We were disciplined with our spending, had some savings and lived on a budget. We have made financial sacrifices in order for me to be able to stay at home with the kids. Maybe we won’t buy a brand new car or a brand new house for a few years. So what? My thinking was/is – people sacrifice financially all of the time for things that they really want (i.e. to pay for college). If parenting my child is one of the most important roles that I will ever play in this life, then why SHOULDN’T I take a financial hit for doing so?
Also, I think that my life priorities were formed for me while I worked in corporate America in my 20s. I worked in investment banking during the last recession wave. I distinctly remember people who had devoted their lives to building up the company – spending 80 – 100+ hours a week on the job/literally sleeping under their desks. When cuts came, some of those very same people (some who had just gotten married; just had a baby; etc.) were let go and forced to leave the exact same day. They couldn’t even pack up their cubicles or offices. They just had to leave the building and have their personal stuff sent to them. I remember my 20 something self making the decision that I would NEVER build my life around a company. In business, it’s business, not personal. Never get it twisted. So, yes there are penalties for taking time off to care for your family BUT who is to say that the very same women who have done so wouldn’t have ended up being corporate casualties anyway?
That’s the thing about life. Most choices have both positive and negative consequences. I don’t judge women with young kids who work outside of the home (by choice or necessity). I assume that they are doing what is best for their families. I assume the same about women who choose to stay home with their kids.
One last annoyance about this whole “opting out” discussion…
Why is it that society is fine with educated women being teachers, high priced nannies or working with other people’s kids in various capacities JUST SO LONG AS the kids that they are working with are not their own? Please…
And for the NYT commenter “C.” …don’t get me started about your assertion that being a stay-at-home mom is not a feminist choice. This choice is NOT only made by “those of means” and HELLO, some of the women who choose to stay home had their own savings before having children. Also, you’re not only a feminist if you’re lobbying for the rights of all women. If that were the case, then MANY women (not just stay at home moms) would not meet your definition of feminism. One last thing…your point about not giving women the same amount of money to go to school since they opt out…I’m sorry, are you paying my student loans from Columbia? I think not. Who are you (or anyone else for that matter) to determine “the greater good” when it comes to the choices that moms make? Feminism is rooted in choice. My mother, grandmother, etc. didn’t have a choice regarding whether or not they could devote themselves to raising their children rather than someone else’s. I do. I own my choice and you (nor anyone else) can make me feel “less” for making the best decision for my family.
Okay…now that’s out of my system. Moving on…
